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a disclaimer [Nov. 8th, 2005|10:51 pm]
[mood |gratefulgrateful]
[music |tip taps of keyboards and whispers in the library]

now that others will actually be seeing this, i would like them to know that i am not as looney tunes as i sound in this journal. they're just thoughts. i promise i am not so cynical!

and i love you ashley crace!
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more for today [Nov. 1st, 2005|10:59 pm]
[mood |mellowmellow]
[music |quiet library]

i don't know why i logged back onto this. i guess i maybe a little addicted...
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in lexington, trying to cut away people who are diseases [Nov. 1st, 2005|04:29 pm]
[mood |blahblah]
[music |my lovely little brother's tunes]

so, after an incredibly lame halloween night, i find myself in lexington. my mother wants me to stay for dinner, but i really want to get back to centre and away from this dark house. i come home to find my whole family laying around in various parts of the house with no lights on. my father and sister are in the living room watching maury (quite possibly the worst show on tv), and it makes me feel so depressed. listening to low-class women crying because they came to the realization their husbands are unfaithful/working as a male prostitute is not exactly entertaining. and Carrie talking a mile a minute about days of our lives and how much rehab sucks is exhausting to me. does she not realize how fucking pissed i am at her? i feel for the past six years (which by the way, constitutes for a third of my entire life) her issues have clouded and darkened my life. and she has yet to truly apologize to me. it is so frustrating to listen to her babble. i feel as though i don't even like her in the slightest, and it makes me sad. she will never be able to conquer her demons which leads me to believe that she will continue to spiral into the abyss that she loves. her choices are not going to affect me anymore. she is separate from me, and that is her choice.

i have also realized the boy will never want to be with me. i have been with him for the past six months (equal to the longest relationship i have ever had) and yet he continues to tell me, verbally or not, "i don't want to date you." but what does it mean when you hang out together and hook up often? isn't that dating? and saying things like, "i just want to find a nice girl" does not exactly help my self-esteem. am i not a nice girl? i think i am. you are not a nice boy. everyone tells me how sketchy you are and some how i still end up in your bed. i hope some day you will realize what you could have had and what you so stupidly threw away. fuck off.

i have decided to follow something i heard a long time ago, i think people in AA say this: "fake it until you make it."

and if anyone ever reads this, i want you to know i am not as cynical as these past entries make me sound. these comments are things i need to get off my chest.
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why do i do such things to myself? [Oct. 22nd, 2005|02:30 pm]
[mood |depresseddepressed]
[music |stupid television]

right now, i have so much stuff to do. but, for some reason, i keep continuing to put it off. digging this hole deeper and deeper, therefore making things that much worse. i wonder if my professors will be understanding, or if my bad habits will lead to me having to leave centre college for good. i do know that i want to graduate from here eventually, but my laziness and general lack of caring is definitely getting in the way.

so i decided to stay at centre for the duration of fall break. it is so strange to be on campus all alone. i feel like i am in the shining. the isolation is getting to me, and my room looks like a disaster. i will have to straighten up before liane comes back. i stayed at centre as an attempt to catch up on my work, but have hardly made a dent in anything. that is one of my big complaints about this school: you can work for hours on an assignment, but still feel as though you have made little progress. sometimes your best just isn't good enough...

last night i got drunk with a certain boy who is bad for me. every time we hang out together, i walk away feeling terrible about myself. but for some reason i keep going back to this person who treats me like trash. he hardly said anything all night. i kept making feeble attempts at lame conversation, but he usually responded with one-word answers. so i drank heinekens and looked at the new issue of playboy. we got drunk, and inevitably, ended up having sex. it wasn't even good. i don't understand why i keep going back when i don't even have a good time with him anymore. i remember back when we first became friends and we would stay up until five o'clock in the morning just talking about everything. we both truly understand each other, but for some reason, now he doesn't want to be with me. he still calls me some nights, asking if i want to come over. i don't always accept his invitations, but there are some nights where i feel lonely and end up heading over to his apartment when i should be doing school work. it's kind of pathetic.

i just want to get out of this funk and out of this semester. i think i'm going crazy. i shouldn't feel like this, i am usually a happy-go-lucky girl who just wants to move on with my life. i am keeping myself stuck in this hellish mood. i just want to put all of this behind me.
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