|why do i do such things to myself?
||[Oct. 22nd, 2005|02:30 pm]
right now, i have so much stuff to do. but, for some reason, i keep continuing to put it off. digging this hole deeper and deeper, therefore making things that much worse. i wonder if my professors will be understanding, or if my bad habits will lead to me having to leave centre college for good. i do know that i want to graduate from here eventually, but my laziness and general lack of caring is definitely getting in the way.
so i decided to stay at centre for the duration of fall break. it is so strange to be on campus all alone. i feel like i am in the shining. the isolation is getting to me, and my room looks like a disaster. i will have to straighten up before liane comes back. i stayed at centre as an attempt to catch up on my work, but have hardly made a dent in anything. that is one of my big complaints about this school: you can work for hours on an assignment, but still feel as though you have made little progress. sometimes your best just isn't good enough...
last night i got drunk with a certain boy who is bad for me. every time we hang out together, i walk away feeling terrible about myself. but for some reason i keep going back to this person who treats me like trash. he hardly said anything all night. i kept making feeble attempts at lame conversation, but he usually responded with one-word answers. so i drank heinekens and looked at the new issue of playboy. we got drunk, and inevitably, ended up having sex. it wasn't even good. i don't understand why i keep going back when i don't even have a good time with him anymore. i remember back when we first became friends and we would stay up until five o'clock in the morning just talking about everything. we both truly understand each other, but for some reason, now he doesn't want to be with me. he still calls me some nights, asking if i want to come over. i don't always accept his invitations, but there are some nights where i feel lonely and end up heading over to his apartment when i should be doing school work. it's kind of pathetic.
i just want to get out of this funk and out of this semester. i think i'm going crazy. i shouldn't feel like this, i am usually a happy-go-lucky girl who just wants to move on with my life. i am keeping myself stuck in this hellish mood. i just want to put all of this behind me.